Through the magic of Technology, and despite the fact that General Lemay has been dead for almost 20 years, I have scored a coup and convinced the great General to sit down with me for an interview over the situation in Iran.
Below is a transcript of my interview:
Paul C: General, I am so glad you could join me this evening. Given the trouble we are having with our enemies on the verge of developing nuclear weapons, an anxious nation turns to you and asks what you would do in this situation.
General Lemay: Thanks for having me here Paul, and great blog by the way. That post on President Rainbow Brite Sparkles Snuggle Pony had me, Mcarthur, Patton and Eisenhower HOWLING at the great officers club in the sky. But I digress...
So, are the Nips acting up again? Bill, fire up the B27s!!!
Paul C: No General, it's not the Japanese this time. It's the Iranians. They are trying to develop nuclear weapons, have fired off some long range rockets, and appear to be dead set on moving ahead on going nuclear, threatening Israel and becoming a Hegemon in the Middle East.
General Lemay: Oh! Bill, Kill that request! Well, hmmmm, seems like we have an interesting situation here. Now, according to what I have learned, we roughly know where these weapons are being developed right?
Paul C: Right.
General Lemay: Well Paul, I would get Akmawhatever, Bill, what is that Falfafel Vendor in the Member's Only Jacket's name?
Bill (offstage) : Ahmadinejad
General Lemay: Whatever. I would tell Haji that he has 48 hours to destroy those sites and another 48 hours to let our inspectors in, or else.
Paul C: Or else what?
General Lemay: Or else we launch a tit-load of bunker busters on those sites so that those "mountains" can be scaled with a step ladder. Then if he doesn't let our inspectors in we will move to phase 2.
Paul C: What is Phase 2
General Lemay: Phase 2 would be the systematic destruction of their entire military infrastructure through smart bombs. Hell son, the bombs you got today are LIGHT years better than what we had. Jesus Christ Mary and Joseph, if I had these weapons, I could have whipped the Nips in a weekend.
Paul C: What if they still don't let in the inspectors.
General Lemay: Damn boy, if they didn't like Phase 2, they are going to HATE phase 3. Phase 3 would be the total eradication of their entire industrial infrastructure (plants, factories) etc.
Paul C: How many phases would you go? How would this end?
General Lemay: Oh, it would end... Trust me, it would end. Phase 4 would be the destruction of all power plants and water treatment facilities. Still, we would be careful to limit casualities as much as possible, but we wouldn't use nuclear weapons. As I said before " I think there are many times when it would be most efficient to use nuclear weapons. However, the public opinion in this country and throughout the world throw up their hands in horror when you mention nuclear weapons, just because of the propaganda that's been fed to them. " actual Curtis Lemay quote
Paul C: Is there a phase 5?
General Lemay: Ever heard of Saturation Carpet Bombing?
Paul C: They still might not give in. They still might not allow in inspectors. Would you then suggest we invade on land?
General Lemay: Boy, you aint too bright are you? After the complete leveling of the entire infrastructure of their country, I think they are going to be more worried about how to get the water going for the next 20 years and which goat to take to the prom than screwing around with developing nuclear weapons. We can bomb them back into the stone age without having to resort to that.
Paul C: But General, won't that just create more terrorists? Won't that hand the enemies a propaganda victory?
General Lemay: Total Bullshit! As I remember, we destroyed 80% of Japan and German cities and infrastructure, killed millions of their citizens and yet..... are we overrun with Japanese or German Terrorists?
Paul C: Hmmmmm..... That is an interesting point General. So, why do you think that is?
General Lemay: If you kill enough of them, they stop fighting. actual Curtis Lemay quote
Paul C: Thanks again for coming tonight General. Our Nation owes you a great debt for your service.
General Lemay: Keep up the good work Paul, and keep your eyes on those commies.
Posts
